Blathering: Vintage America

Time for an oldy but a goodie: a few years back I was on disability AND caring for my injured boyfriend, so needless to day (but word-waster that I am, I'll say it anyway) it left me lots of time to sit on my ass and hate everything. Then, on a lark, I googled around for vintage ads and the excellence blew my brains straight out my ears. Observe... 

   

"indoors, women are useful- even pleasant. On a mountain they are something of a drag. So don't go hauling them up a cliff just to show off your Drummond climing sweaters..."    

Drummond - Yes. just... yes.

In recent years, I've become something of a vintage-everything buff and lately I've been having quite a time hunting around for ads from a by-gone america. a time where women wore aprons and heels while making meals and men wore suits and hats to mow the lawn. A beautiful, simpler time where everything was so much more genteel and wholesome...

...and completely, roundly, offensive.

It's been a while since I've laughed this hard at anything in print and I don't know when I've ever been so deliciously offended! It's such a strange thing to see right in front of you just how much societal taboos have shifted over the decades.

SEARS - This poor girl. not only is she being classified a whale who's massive carcas is all but impossible to shop for, but when they finally do find a couple hundred yards of material to wrap around this hopeless cetacean, it's the most conspicuous and absurd outfit that the couture giant, SEARS, could find. She looks like 4 year old dressed up like a cupcake. Poor thing also looks like she cried for weeks prior to being forced into this photo shoot.

Note: If this is a chubby girl, then the fire department is going to need a forklift to get me out of bed the next time I gotta run errands. 

Tipalet - You know why I adore this ad? Because it doesn't even pretend to regard women as anything but sub-human mannequins who're perfectly accepting of being blasted in the face with a puff of carcinogenic excellence. Seriously. You take that and add it to the double entendre that hits you like a sledgehammer to the nads and this is one of the most delightfully offensive things I've ever seen. 

Note: Any man who blows smoke in my face should be prepared to have the offending cigarette extinguished in his eye.

Love Cosmetics - Ahhhhh...pedophelia. A perfectly reasonable angle for hocking your suggestively packaged cosmetics to women who must clearly be desperate to send off that sexy, grade school vibe to the town pervert. I wonder if they sell a line of fruit-scented chemical castration lotions for the men who find the above 12 year old sexier than we all might think?

Pitney-freakin'-Bowes - This ad had me rollin', but I couldn't begin to guess what it means. Clearly the headstrong dame is driving the disheveled guy (who looks like he's about 17 seconds away from a fatal coronary) into sheer madness, but why? Did she try to make toast in the machine? Either way, he asks a fair question. After all, when a sexy redhead shuns your postage meter, there must be harsh consequences!

U.S. Propaganda - This ad's priceless because it confidently casts women in the role of vile incubators of genital treachery - helping out those evil europeans and bringin' down the allies from the crotch, up!

Seriously though. You've got to be friggin' kidding me.

Dormeyer - What a charming little ad! For all those manipulative skanks out there who're completely lost without their electric can openers and the men who deserve what they got when they went ahead and married someone this spoiled and retarded. Have fun in your house full of appliances and broken dreams, courtesy of Dormeyer!!